I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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