The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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