1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I'm passing your future prison.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Found the puke drawer
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
