She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
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He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
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My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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