Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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