Ketchup is God's man juice
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
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