well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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