just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
