Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
