I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
