Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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