Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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