What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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