I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
