walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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