He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
