just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
