My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
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Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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