theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
