News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
i am craving dick and cupcakes
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