I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
