I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
