A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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