i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
