ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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