I met the friendliest cop last night
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
