so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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