i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
It's official drugs can't kill me
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I am available for nakedness
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
