dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
