After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
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Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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