meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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