o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
