Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
