im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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