Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
