ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
