You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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