sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
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