yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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