I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
