I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Damn victory sex feels great
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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