I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
You took a bar mat shot.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
