Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
