no, he came in my armpit
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
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Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
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That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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