he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
