I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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