My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
