i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
