it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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