Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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