clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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