I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
This baby is an asshole
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
