you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Randomize
