u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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