i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
