i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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