you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
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Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
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Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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