turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
