Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
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