So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
