So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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