i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
